Now that the drink is gone, how do I deal
with the anger and pain that I'm starting to feel?
All these questions with answers that wont be revealed
until the damage I've done to my mind starts to heal.
It's been almost three months, God I thought I was cured
until I saw her again, and I thought "how absurd
is this?" Why do I feel like I'm falling apart?
Will somebody tell me why it feels like my heart
was just ripped from my chest and then torn into pieces?
I dont have an answer, I can't form a thesis.
The only thing registering in my mind
was that bottle of vodka, I needed to find
a solution, a place to leave bull**** behind.
Like a V.C.R, suddenly stuck on rewind
I was seeing my past, all the hurt, all the shame,
I was tasting her tears, I was left with the blame
again. Not knowing why I could suddenly feel again,
under the wheel again, damn, this is real again.
How many times have I ran from my past
to the bottle, to fall right back down on my ass?
God, I thought this was over, I thought I was free,
yet the Five O'clock vodka still beckons to me.
I should just turn around, I should just walk away,
I should talk to God, but I don't know what to say.
I guess I should have learned years ago how to pray,
Jesus Christ I just don't want to get drunk today.
I could go to a meeting, sit down at a table,
tell everyone how I still feel unable
to let go. And sure it helps sharing the pain,
but their smiles and their laughter just drive me insane,
cause I want what they have, yet I dont understand
how they've washed all the dirt and the blood from their hands.
Now I sit at this keyboard, and stare at this screen,
at these words that were typed by these hands, still unclean.
Yet when pencil meets paper, the doors open wide,
shedding light on the skeletons I keep inside.
And I've found how it helps to unveil my afflictions.
These words are the cage that contains my addiction.
posted on 03/01/2009