Poem of Quotes Members

broken

you leave me here
alone in the dark
while i wait for my time of death to finally come
while i lay here broken

broken to pieces
shattered
crying
broken

by PoisonCookieX
posted on 12/28/2008

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Comments: 10

Comment by IrOcKmYoWnSoX: Mar 14, 2009 10:19 pm
ahh love ehht i lovee yeww sistaaahh :]] yew needa get on fuge Sticking tongue out
Comment by darksideofme: Jan 1, 2009 1:44 am
Yeah.... I agree.... Somebody needs to remind Kiite that this is not professional poetry. Calm down and have some human compassion..... This was the first poem she wrote. I agree with MonkeyBoy..... I'm going to make a stand against this know it all prick to protect these new poets from this unnecessary overkill criticism.
Comment by Kiite: Dec 30, 2008 12:34 pm
monkeyboy, seriously. Talk about the poetry, not any grudge you have against me. I hadn't done anything intentionally wrong. And as mylifeasacutter explained, we have our own opinions and things we feel we should say.

but, mylifeasacutter, i just want to mention that lots of poems have some sort of rhythm going even if it wasn't intended at all. Really. I don't focus on rhythm or pacing, really, but after I end up reading my poem some time later, it strikes me like a brick that it ended up including itself into the poem anyway. I'll try to explain what I mean because it's kind of confusing to do so. Pacing on its own isn't really important because it doesn't do anything on its own. The reason why it ends up being important even if the writer doesn't intend to focus too much (or at all) on it is because how fast or slow you read something depicts the tone of the piece of writing. For example, punctuation, shorter sentences, stronger words, and the sentences being shorter to read altogether may be in sync with an angry or upset tone in the poem. And emotional expression is really big in poetry.

Actually, poems in some languages (like Bosnian, for example) are also referred to as "pjesme" which trans-literally mean "songs". So some sort of intended or unintended rhythm in writing can be seen just by analysing languages; it's cross-cultural. Kind of a nifty thing in my personal opinion, but I love languages. :]
Comment by mischeifinvain: Dec 28, 2008 7:54 pm
its a nice poem with some potential, but i would have to agree with kiite on this one. though poetry is more about expression than form, the message is lost in the redundancy, and the flow killed a bit by the abrupt change in the way the poem is structured. poetry is about feeling and emotion, but its also about writing your feelings down on paper so that everyone can see your soul as you write it, the better you write it the better people can understand the emotions you felt. this poem in my opinion needs to be expanded upon, it has a solid idea but doesnt do a good job explaining it, a big thing to do would be to keep same words far from each other, otherwise it sevearly degrades the quality of the read. all this being said, i thought it was a good first attempt and has potential, my advice would be that when you write, expand on your thoughts and try to envision your emotions with color (or darkness) point being make the poem drip with your feelings, so the readers can taste the passion.
Comment by mylifeasacutter: Dec 28, 2008 7:11 pm
this is a good for a first poem and kiite has his own opinion and thats okay but a poem doesnt need to have rhythm or pacing i mean look at my work all i do is write i dont think of how it needs to have a pacing or anything like that i think this was a great attempt and that you have a lot of potential
Comment by monkeyboy2416: Dec 28, 2008 4:51 pm
He's such a ct i forgot to say, i think this is a good first attempt.
Keep writing.
Comment by monkeyboy2416: Dec 28, 2008 4:50 pm
I hate this Kiite.
I here by swear to never read one of his stuck up, patronising, I'm so great, you need my amazing opinion, comments without leaving a comment of my own saying how much he twists my sack!!
If anybody reads one of his stupid comments i've not said is annoying please, please mail me, and i will comment at once!
Comment by Kiite: Dec 28, 2008 1:52 pm
;] Well, I never said anything was actually wrong with it. I find poems like these, that have so much potential for how minimalistic they are, beautiful. I just figured that, if I were to say anything at all, I might as well tell PoisonCookie exactly what was on my mind after reading it, I guess.

I don't know. Just how I do.
Comment by DarkCobra: Dec 28, 2008 12:39 pm
Holy smoke, Kiite o.o
I mean I didn't think anything
was wrong with it I actually
loved it ... o.o nice job
Comment by Kiite: Dec 28, 2008 2:24 am
I'll try not to sound mean because I really don't mean to be, and can't say my first poem is any good anyway.

To begin: I like the first two lines, for they actually set the poem up with some sort of pacing, rhythm, and purpose as if it were leading somewhere. The BIGGEST thing I can point out to you in regards to criticism is the word "broken." Including the title, the word is used a total of four times in an exceptionally short poem. That's not to say repetition or short poems are bad in any way -- the two can actually work well with one another -- it's just that the word makes the poem sound a little more trite and redundant, particularly after already using "to pieces", and "shattered", meaning the reader got the message already about you (or the persona) being hurt.

This can be a better poem, though. Easily and without doubt. But, instead of focusing on your presently physical condition, you could, suppose, move into a THIRD stanza and engross yourself in the emotional aspects of how you feel or just who that person who hurt you is, or how they hurt you, etc. Or, you can elaborate more on the second stanza (because, the way it is currently, the second stanza seems merely like a copy of the first, though with less detail), as the majority of the second stanza's lines are one word long, whereas the first stanza's third line is, by comparison, virtually enormous. Just tinker a bit with the poem's structure until you find a nice equilibrium.

From your poems, I think this one probably (at least in my personal opinion) shows the most hope of easily becoming something far better than it is now. Though, you would need to put a bit more time into it and actually delve into what you were trying to convey with this piece. Good luck.

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