Poem of Quotes Members

The life of hell

My life starts here
in a tornado
i had many fears
it just goes to show

I was sent here
they said
to destroy that fear
but now im pretty much dead

They came for me
but they never got it
i started to flee
but i fell into a black pit

i started there
lying dead
like i said
i still had one fear

If you really know me
you will see
that theres something else
inside of me

I have a way with words
as you can see
i never desiceve
thats all you've heard

I broke many souls
started a friend
she was the one
that will stay till the end

She's on my list
of friends on here
i stopped making fists
shes the cure
for my fear

im out of that pit
all thanks to her
now im different
things start to stir

believe me
i know what i do
i cried and cried
thats how i got through

you cant break me
you cant touch me
im not a fake
it goes on as such and such

well now you know
shes the one
who had the cure
to one fear of mine
and it was her

by gaara
posted on 03/26/2008

« previous

Comments: 6

Comment by bloodyrose: May 21, 2008 1:16 pm
you guys are pathetic..btw..this is meltedsnowman..just under a diff profile add me pls..and i liked the poem
Comment by quies: Apr 1, 2008 11:58 am
I won't like it? I usually like all poetry regardless of the quality because I appreciate the sentiments in it, but we'll see. Go ahead, I'm eager to see it and give an honest critique. I'll be waiting.
Comment by gaara: Apr 1, 2008 6:58 am
mm i love this guy so much im going to make a poem just for him haha it ownz for you kid so yea your not going to like what i make...Smiley
Comment by quies: Mar 31, 2008 3:53 pm
The sentiments are there - kind of - and the poem seems legitimate. There is a misspelling: "deceive". Also, you should consider using apostrophes when appropriate. For example, you already use it for "you've/you're" but "there's" also requires an apostrophe... unless there's a reason you're excluding it for that word for some sort of effect. The main setback for this poem is that it's very haphazard and redundant. For example, it seems as if you mention falling into a "black pit" suddenly and with no connection to anything else you're saying - it makes the poem lose legitimacy because it seems as if you just include the word 'pit' to make your poem continue rhyming rather than having any real, cohesive thought to what you're saying. Also, you repeat something about it 'being her' throughout the poem over and over again, to the point where the idea gets redundant and boring. It's fine to mention it once or twice, or thrice if you feel it to need so much emphasis, but after that it gets to be just too much. Like, in the last stanza, you say "she's the one who had the cure..." and then "it was her". The last "it was her" is completely unnecessary because you already mention that she was the one IN THE SAME STANZA. Reiterating the point or idea is one thing, but simply repeating yourself for the sake of rhyming in a poem makes you look as if you really had no idea what you were trying to write, or had no true emotion when you wrote this, which then makes the poem seem nonsensical and not legitimate in what it says. I don't know how this would fare as a song, but the beat of the song would need to be REALLY good to distract from the redundancy of the lyrics - so I don't know how many people would actually admire you. Interest as a poem nonetheless, though.
Comment by Maximus: Mar 27, 2008 5:40 pm
If you ever planned to make that into a song with a bit of editting, people will admire you.
Comment by tobeloved: Mar 26, 2008 4:06 pm
aww.. wow. i love it!! keep writing Smiley

Add a comment: